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Inglourious Basterds Transcript

LT.HICOX
Rather gruesome sounding little
Dicky bird, isn’t he?

GEN.FENECH
No doubt the whole lot, a bunch a
nutters. But you’ve heard the
expression, “It takes a thief”.

LT.HICOX
Indeed.
General Fenech continues on with his exposition, moving over
to a military map.

9i.

GEN.FENECH
You’ll be dropped into France, about
twenty four kilometers outside of Paris.
The Basterds will be waiting for you.
First thing, you go to a little village
called, “Nadine”.
(He points it
out on the map)
Apparently the Gerrys never go there.
In Nadine, there’s a tavern, called,
“La Louisiane”, you’ll rendez-vous
with our double agent, and she’ll take
it from there. She’s the one who’s
going to get you in the premiere.
It will be you, her, and two German
born members of the Basterds. She’s
also made all the other arrangements
your going to need.

LT.HICOX
How will I know her?

GEN.FENECH
I suspect that won’t be too much
trouble for you. Your contact is
Bridget Von Hammersmark.

LT.HICOX
Bridget Von Hammersmark? The German
movie star is working for England?

GEN.FENECH
For the last two years now. one could
even say Operation Kino was her
brainchild.
In the back of the room the bulldog barks;

CHURCHELL
Extraordinary women.

LT.BICOX
Quite.

GEN.FENECH
You’ll go to the premiere as her
escort, lucky devil. She’ll also
have the premiere tickets for the
other two. Got the gist?

LT.HICOX
I think so, sir. Paris when it sizzles.
The three British bulldogs laugh.

9 3

EXT – CINEMA ROOFTOP – DAY
Shosanna and Marcel are on the rooftop of their cinema,
literally, making a movie.
Marcel is behind a old (even then) BOLEX 35MM MOVIE CAMERA,
positioned low looking up.
Shosanna, the camera subject, stands on boxes looking down
into it.
A old timey MICROPHONE is positioned out of frame.
As they always do, and always will, they speak FRENCH
SUBTITLED into you know what.

MARCEL
We need a sync mark.

SHOSANNA
What is a sync mark?

MARCEL
A action and noise put together,
So we can sync up the picture
and sound.

SHOSANNA
How do we do that?

MARCEL
Clap your hands.
She does.

MARCEL
In frame imbecile.
She claps her hands in front of her face.

MARCEL
Ready?
Shosanna takes a deep breath, then;

SHOSANNA
Ready.

MARCEL
Action.

WE CUT BEFORE SHE SPEAKS TO…

GIR

.THE SCENE EARLIER BETWEEN MARCEL AND SHOSANNA IN THE

LOBBY, ON THE STAIRS, TALKING ABOUT BURNING DOWN THE CINEMA.
Big diffrence this time, it’s in COLOR.

MARCEL
But how do we get it developed?
Only a suicidal idiot like us would
develop that footage. How do we get
a35mm print with a soundtrack?

SHOSANNA
Do you know one person who can do
both things?

MARCEL
Of course Gaspar, very nice man,
took care of all the experimental
filmmakers. But nobody in their
right mind would strike a print of
what your talking about. If the
Nazi’s found out, their life wouldn’t
be worth this.
He snaps his fingers.

SHOSANNA
In a wolf fight, you ether eat the
wolf, or the wolf eats you. If we’re
going to obliterate the Nazi’s,
we have to use their tactics.

MARCEL
What does that mean?

SHOSANNA
We find somebody who can develop
and process a35mm print. And we
make them do it, or we kill them.
Once we tell them what we want to
do, if they refuse, we have to kill
them anyway, or they’ll turn us in.

MARCEL
Would you do that?

SHOSANNA
Like that.
Snaps her fingers.

?S,

INT – SMALL FILM PROCESSING LAB- LATE NIGHT
A old mom and pop film processing lab circa the Thirties.
Late late at night.
GASPAR, the fatherly figure of all the experimental French
filmmakers in the decade before German rule, takes a SAVAGE
BEATING at the hands of his friend Marcel.
Shosanna watches, pitiless.

SHOSANNA
Bring that fucker over here!
Put his head down on that table.
Marcel, holds his arm behind him, as he forces his head flat
against the table top.
Shosanna brings a HATCHET DOWN DEEP into the table, just by
his face.

SHOSANNA
You ether do what the fuck we tell
you to, or I’ll bury this axe in your
collaborating skull.

GASPAR
I’m not a collaborator!

SHOSANNA
Then prove it! Or does your manhood
go no deeper, then standing to piss?
Marcel, does his wife, and children
know you?

MARCEL
Oui.

SHOSANNA
Then after we kill this dog for
Germans, we’ll go and silence them.
She lifts up the hatchet, raises it high…

SHOSANNA
Prepare to die, collaborator fucker!

CUT TO

GASPAR
hands the couple a SMALL SILVER CAN OF 35mm FILM. Outside
the shop window, it’s morning.

INT – PROJECTION BOOTH-
WE SEE the five heavy silver film cans of Fredrick Zollers
life story “Nations Pride”(clearly marked) on the floor of
the projection booth.
The can for REEL 4is open and empty.
Shosanna’s at the editing bench, REEL 4, is up on the
rewinds…
Shosanna SPLICES her and Marcels footage into REEL 4 of
Fredricks film. Rewinds it, puts it back in the can, and
puts a piece of RED TAPE on REEL 4 CAN.
She walks out of the booth, turning off the lights behind
her, PLUNGING THE SCREEN INTO DARKNESS.

BLACK FRAME

FROM BLACK DISSOLVE TO

EXT – LA LOUISIANE (TAVERN) – NIGHT
We see a small basement tavern, with a old rustic sign out
front that reads, “La Louisiane”.

A SUBTITLE APPEARS:
“The Village of

NADINE, FRANCE”
TWO SHOT LT.HICOX and LT.ALDO RAINE
Aldo is dressed like a French civilian. Hicox is dressed in a
German grey S.S. Cap’t uniform. They look out of a window, in a
apartment, in the village of Nadine, overlooking the tavern.

LT.ALDO
You didn’t say the goddamn rendez-vous
was in a fuckin basement.

LT.HICOX
I didn’t know.

LT.ALDO
You said it was in a tavern?

LT.HICOX
it is a tavern.

LT.ALDO
Yeah, in a basement. You know,
fightin in a basement offers a lot
of difficulties, number one being,
your fighting in a basement.
Wilhelm Wicki, joins the SHOT, dressed in a German S.S.
Lieutenant uniform.

WICKI
What if we go in there, and she’s
not even there?

LT.HICOX
We wait. Don’t worry, she’s a British
spy, she’ll make the rendez-vous.
WE SEE the other Basterds, dressed in French civilian clothes,
are in the room as well, they are, Donowitz, Hirschberg,
and Utivich. And in the back of the room, dressed in the grey
uniform of a S.S. Lieutenant, Hugo Stiglitz sits off by himself,
sharpening his S.S. DAGGER on his leather belt looped around his
boot. Anybody not in the scene from the Basterds opening
chapter, is dead.
Lt.Hicox watches Stiglitz off by himself on the other side of
the room, SHARPENS his dagger menacingly.
.Stiglitz is fucking werid…
Lt.Hicox approaches Stiglitz…

LT.NICOX
Stiglitz, right?

STIGLITZ
That’s right, sir.
He continues bringing the blades edge, up, then, down on the
leather strap.

LT.HICOX
I hear your pretty good with that?
Meaning the blade. Stiglitz doesn’t answer.

LT.HICOX
You know, we’re not looking for
trouble, right now. We’re simply
making contact with our agent.
Should be uneventful. However, on
the off chance I’m wrong, and things
prove eventful. I need to know, we can
all remain calm.

99.
The renegade Gerry Sergeant, stops his blades progress, and
looks up at the limy Lieutenant.

STIGLITZ
I don’t look calm to you?

LT.HICOX
Well, now you put it like that,
I guess you do.
He turns his attention back to his blade.
Hicox moves over to Aldo, and asks him privately;

LT. HI COX
This Gerry of yours, Stiglitz?
Not exactly the loquacious type,
is he?
Aldo just looks at him.

LT.ALDO
Is that the kinds man you need, the
loquacious type?

LT.HICOX
Fair point, Lieutenant.

LT.ALDO
So y’all git in trouble in there,
what are we suppose to do?
Make bets on how it all comes out?

LT.HICOX
If we get into trouble, we can
handle it. But if trouble does
happen, we need you to make damn
sure no Germans, or French, for
matter, escape from that basement.
If Frau Von Hammersmark’s cover is
compromised, the mission is kaput.

SGT.DONOWITZ
Speaking of Frau Von Hammersmark,
who’s idea was it for the death trap
redez-vous?

LT.HICOX
She chose the spot.

SGT.DONOWITZ
Well isn’t that just dandy?

LT.HICOX
Look, she’s not a military strategist.
She’s just a actress.

LT.ALDO
Ya don’t got to be Stonewall
Jackson to know you don’t want to
fight in a basement.

LT.HICOX
She wasn’t picking a place to fight.
She was picking a place, isolated,
and without germans.

PFC.HIRSCHBERG
Lieutenant, I hate to be contrary,
but I got me a Nazi pissin on
Louisianna two-o’clock.
They move to the window, and sure enough, ONE LONE NAZI
PRIVATE, relieves himself against the side wall.
Lt.Bicox, this was definitely, not the plan.

LT.HICOX
Shit.
Sgt.Donowitz chides him;

SGT.DONOWITZ
So what do you think your fraulein
Von Hammer –

LT.HICOX
– Obviously, I don’t know,Sgt.
The British officer watches the German soldier, who’s not
suppose to be there. When Hugo Stiglitz joins him at the
window. Stiglitz looks down at the urinating Nazi, S.S. dagger
in hand.

STIGLITZ
If we’re going, let’s go.
He sheaths the dagger.

EXT – LA LOUISIANE (BASEMENT TAVERN) – NIGHT
The GERMAN PISSING PRIVATE, sloppily finishes his task.
Craming his noodle back in his pants, he descends the stairs
that lead him back into the basement tavern. We Follow him…

INT – LA LOUISIANE (BASEMENT TAVERN)- NIGHT
.Inside the basement tavern, La Louisiane. it has a very low
hanging basement ceiling. A old looking wood bar off to the
right. And the only other space in the little tavern, is taken
up by two large(at least in here) tables, which take up both
half’s of the room. And despite rumors to the contrary, one of
the two tables, is completely filled with drunken celebrating
Nazi enlisted men, of which our urinating friend is one of
five.

FIVE NAZI’S
ONE GERMAN MASTER SGT, ONE FEMALE GERMAN SGT (a powerfully built
stocky type), and THREE MALE GERMAN PRIVATES.
The Five Nazi’s are sitting around the table, drinking, and
playing a very fun game with none other then the fraulein of
the hour, UFA diva, BRIDGET VON HAMMERSMARK. Dressed to the
nines in a chic Forties style women’s suit, complete with
fedora. The game their playing consists of each player having
a card with the name of a famous person, real or imaginary,
stuck to their forehead. The player doesn’t know what name is
on their forehead. So they ask the others questions to figure
out who they are.
The Five Germans, five cards read; MASTER SGT #1(POLA NEGRI),

FEMALE SGT #2(BEETHOVEN), GERMAN PRIVATE #3(MATA HARI),

GERMAN PRIVATE #4 (EDGAR WALLACE), GERMAN PRIVATE #5
(WINNETOU). And Bridget Von Hammersmark, who wears her card in
the brim of her fedora, has GENGHIS KHAN.
It’s German#5 (WINNETOU) turn to ask questions.
The DIALOGUE will be in GERMAN, and SUBTITLED into ENGLISH.
Also, while some dialogue will be written for the German
Soldiers, it will be mostly made up from the exuberance
of their game playing, and celebrating.

WINNETOU
.okay, I’m not German. Am I American?
The whole table bursts out laughing.

FEMALE SGT/BEETHOVEN
Yes you arel

EDGAR WALLACE
Well, not really.

SGT.POLA NEGRI
What do you mean, not really? Of
course he is.

91

EDGAR WALLACE
Well if he’s so American, how come
he’s never been translated into
English? He’s not American. He’s
suppose to be American, but he’s not
a American creation. In fact, he’s
something very different.

WINNETOU
Okay, I’m a fictional, literary
character, from the past, I’m American,
and that’s controversial.

BRIDGET/GENGUS
No it’s not controversial. The nationally
of the author, has nothing to do with
the nationally of the character.
The Character is the character.
Hamlet’s not British, he’s Danish.
So yes, this character was born in
America.

WINNETOU
Well I’m glad that’s settled. If I had
a wife, would she be called a squaw?
He’s got it.
The table Laughs.
The TABLE

YES!

WINNETOU
Is my bloodbrother, Old Shatterhand?
The TABLE
Yes!

WINNETOU
Did Karl May write me?
The TABLE
Yes!
In the BACKGROUND, WE SEE, our three counterfeit German
Officers, Hicox, Wicki, and Stiglitz, enter the basement
tavern. They obviously. see the five German soldiers, but their
too far away for us (the audience) to read their face. No
doubt their less then happy. Fraulein Von Hammersmark
see’s them as well. Without getting up, she waves to them.

QZ

BRIDGET
Hello, my lovelies, I will join you
in moments. I’m finishing up a game
with my five new friends here.

LT.HICOX
No hurry, Frau Von Hammersmark.
Take your time, enjoy yourself.

BRIDGET
(To Winnetou)
So who are you?

WINNETOU
I am WINNETOU, CHIEF of the APACHES!
The table CHEERS, and APPLAUD the Apache Chief, as he takes
the card off his forehead.
The other Four German Soldiers drink down there beer(part of
the game).
Bridget Von Hammersmark knock backs her champagne.

MATA HARI
Frau Von Hammersmark, when your
friends came in, did you realize
you did a double take, like in the
movies?

BRIDGET
Really? No, I wasn’t aware of that
at all.

MATA HARI
They must be second nature to you now?
Did they teach you how to do a double
take in the movies?

BRIDGET
Well, yes they did, but it’s not really
that difficult.

SGT.POLA NEGRI
Do one for us.
The Tableheartily agrees.
Bridget looks directly at the Master Sgt, and does a perfect,
and perfectly funny, Double Take.
The Table loves it.

q3.

MATA HARI
My turn, I want to try.
Mata Hari, looks directly at Beethoven, and does a Double
Take.

EDGER WALLACE
I want to try.
He does.
Soon the whole Table is doing dueling Double Takes.

HICOX – WICKI – STIGLITZ
watch the table do dueling Double Takes. Obviously, they don’t
understand.

THEN…
.Bridget Von Hammersmark rises, and excuses herself from the
Table. She removes the card stuck in her fedora, looking at
the name Gengus Khaun for the first time.

BRIDGET
Gengus Khaun! I would never of gotten that.
She walks over, and joins the masquerading Germans table, the
Gentlemen rise. She greets each warmly with a french cheek
kiss, as if she knows them well.
They all take a seat. The two Basterds, and one Brit, drink
Whiskey. The taverns PROPRIETOR, a older, big bellyed
Frenchman named EARL, comes over to the table, and pours more
champagne into Bridget’s Champagne glass. He leaves, returning
back behind the bar, with the YOUNG FRENCH BARMAID, the only other
person in the establishment.
Obviously, they speak GERMAN, SUBTITLED into ENGLISH;

LT.HICOX
I thought this place was suppose to
have more French then Germans?

BRIDGET
Normally that’s true. The Sgt over
there’s wife, just had a baby. His
commanding officer gave him, and his
mates the night off to celebrate.

WICXI
We should leave.

BRIDGET
F No, we should stay. For one drink at
least. I’ve been waiting for you in a
bar, it would look strange if we left
before we had a drink.

LT.HICOX
She’s right, just be calm, and enjoy
your booze.

BACK TO THE GERMAN TABLE
The French Barmaid, has taken Bridget’s place in the rousing,
rowdy game. She tells them, her person must be French, or she
won’t know them. Winnetou thinks for a moment, then writes a
name on a card. The Barmaid puts it on her forehead, It says;

NAPOLEON.
The Germans all laugh.

BACK TO THE BASTERDS TABLE

BRIDGET
There’s been some new developments.
The cinema venue has changed.

LT.HICOX
Why?

BRIDGET
No one knows. But that in itself
shouldn’t be a problem. The cinema
it’s been changed to is considerably
smaller then The Ritz. So whatever
materials you brought for The Ritz,
should be doubly effective here.
Now this next piece of information
is colossal, try not to over react.
The Fubrer, will be attending tomorrow.
Hugo Stiglitz does a SPIT TAKE.
Bridget’s eyes bore holes in him.

BACK TO THE REAL GERMANS
They see Hugo do the spit take, and burst out laughing.
Keeping it up, they begin to do dueling spit takes, like they
did dueling double takes earlier. Needless to say, they all
get wet.

9

BACK TO BASTERDS

BRIDGET
(To Hicox)
You’ll be going as Ernst Schuller.
You’ll say your a associate producer
on Riefenstahl’s “Tiefland”. It’s the
one German production not under Goebbels
control, and Leni wouldn’t be caught dead
at a Goebbels film affair.

BACK TO REAL GERMAN TABLE
Master Sgt.Pola Negri, drinks his beer, as he looks over,
dreamily, at Bridget Von Hammersmark at the other table.

BACK TO BASTERDS
We See in Bridget continues to brief Hicox on his identity.
the B.G., the German Master Sgt stand up from his table, and
head toward Fraulein Von Bammersmark.

BRIDGET
.the films gone through many delays,
and Leni’s heath is deteriorating, so
if you have to speak…
Hicox, seeing the German Master Sgt approach, signals for her
to cool it.

SGT.POLA NEGRI
Frau Von Hammersmark, I was just
thinking, could you sign a autograph
to my son on his birthday?

BRIDGET
I’d love to Wilhelm.
(To the Table)
This handsome happy Sgt, just became
a father today.
The Pretend Officers offer congratulations to the Sgt.
The German Master Sgt, CLICKS his heels, and bows before his
superior officers.

SGT.POLA NEGRI
Thank you, heil Hitler.
He raises his hand …. as do the seated phony officers; “Heil
Hitler”.
As she takes a rather fancy fountain pen from her clutch..

BRIDGET
So Wilhelm, do you know the name of
this progeny yet?

SGT.POLA NEGRI
I most certainly do, fraulein. His
name is Maximilian.
Even the slightly psychotic Stiglitz, likes this German Sgt.

STIGLITZ
Wonderful name, Sgt.

SGT.POLA NEGRI
Thank you, Lieutenant. When he’s old
enough to ride a bicycle, I will buy
him a blue one. And I will paint on
the side “The Blue Max”.
He thrusts out his beer stein, for the officers to cheers.
They do.
Bridget finishes signing her autograph, with a big flourish.

BRIDGET
There you go. But wait, I’m not finished yet.
She reaches into her clutch, and pulls out some lipstick.
Applies some ruby red color to her lips, and then kisses the
napkin, leaving a big red lip print. Then hands the treasured
item to the young father.

BRIDGET
Nothing but the best for little Maximilian.

SGT.POLA NEGRI
Thank you fraulein, thank you. Max may
not know who you are now. But he will.
I will show him all of your movies.
He will grow up with your films,
and this napkin on his wall.
Then, to the whole tavern…

SGT.POLA NEGRI
I purpose a toast to the greatest actress
in Germany! There is no Dietrich, there is
no Riefenstahl, only Von Hammersmark!
The whole room toasts.
This would be a good time for the German Sgt to go back to his
table, and his men. And he almost does…. but… since he is
drunk, and star struck, he out wears his welcome.

SGT.POLA NEGRI
So, Frau Von Hammersmark, what brings
you to France?

97 .
Feeling any good Nazi officer’s patience would of been
exhausted long ago, Lt.Hicox butts in.

LT.HICOX
None of your business,Sgt.
You might not have worn out your welcome
with the fraulein, with your drunken
boorish behavior, but you have wore out
your welcome with me.
The Table of game playing Soldiers, hear this, and get quiet.

LT.HICOX
Might I remind you Sgt.,your a enlisted
man. This is a officers table. I suggest
you stop pestering the fraulein, and
rejoin your table.
The German Master Sgt., looks quizzically at the officer.

SGT.POLA NEGRI
Excuse me Cap’t, but your accent is
is very unusual.
The whole room pauses-for different reasons…

SGT.POLA NEGRI
Where are you from?
A silent moment passes between the two tables, then the two
German born impostors spring into action.

WICKI
Sgt.! You must be ether drunk or mad,
to speak to a superior officer with
such impertinentness!
Stiglitz, STANDS and YELLS to the other table;

STIGLITZ
I’m making YOU,…
(Pointing at

WINNETOU)
.and YOU,..
(Pointing at
Edgar Wallace)
.responsible, for him.
(Pointing at
Sgt.Pola)
I suggest you take hold of your friend,
or he’ll spend Max’s first birthday
in jail for public drunkenness!

78
The Germans SPRING UP, and take hold of Sgt.Pola…

1W

WHEN…
A GERMAN VOICE rings out;

GERMAN VOICE (OS)
Then might I inquire?
The Five known Germans move aside, reveling the unknown German
in the room, unseen till now, our old friend from before
MAJOR DEITER HELLSTROM of the GESTAPO. The Major stands from
the little table he was sitting at.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
Like the young newly christened father,
I too have a acute ear for accents.
And like him, I too find yours odd.
From where do you hail, Cap’t?
Wicki jumps in;

WICKI
Major, this is highly inappr –

MAJOR HELLSTROM
T wasn’t speaking to you
Lt.Saltzberg,
(Turning to

STIGLITZ)
or you ether, Lt.Berlin.
(Looking at

HICOX)
I was speaking to Cap’t I–don’t-know-what.
The Gestapo Major is now standing beside Sgt.Pola, before the
impostors table.
Lt.Hicox, calmly explains his origin.

LT.HICOX
I was born in the village that rests
in the shadow of Piz Palu.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
The mountain?

LT.HICOX
Yes. In that village we all speak like
this. Have you seen the Riefenstahl film?

MAJOR HELLSTROM
Yes.

f q s

LT. HICOX
Then you saw me. You remember the skiing
torch scene?

MAJOR HELLSTROM
Yes I do.

LT.HICOX
In that scene was myself, my father,
my sister, and my two brothers. My
brother is so handsome, the director
Pabst, gave him a Close Up.
As Bridget Von Hammersmark places a cigarette in a ivory
cigarette holder, which Hicox, as if on cue, lights for her,
she says;

BRIDGET
Major, if my word means anything, I can
vouch for everything the Young Cap’t has
just said. He does hail from the bottom
of Piz Palu, he was in the film,
and his brother is far more handsome
then he.
The impostors laugh.
Then….so does the Gestapo Major. He turns to the Sgt.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
You should rejoin your friends.
Which the young Sgt is more then happy to do. That table
begins playing there game again.
Major Hellstrom, the highest ranking officer in the room, bows
graciously to the female German celebrity.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
May I join you?

BRIDGET
By all means, Major.
The Gestapo Major sits at the table, opposite Lt.Hicox, and
Wicki. The French Barmaid brings over the Majors beer stein.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
So that’s the source of your bazaar
accent? Extraordinary. So what are
you doing here Cap’t?

LT.HICOX
Aside from having a drink with the lovely
fraulein?

,00 .

MAJOR HELLSTROM
Well that pleasure requires no explanation.
Chuckle…Chuckle

MAJOR HELLSTROM
I mean in country. Your obviously not
stationed in France, or I’d know who
you are.

LT • I’! I COX
You know every German in France?

MAJOR BELLSTROM
Worth knowing.

LT.HICOX
Well, there in lies the problem. We
never claimed to be worth knowing.
Chuckle… Chuckle.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
(Chuckling as
he asks)
All levity aside, what are you doing
in France?

LT.HICOX
Attending Goebbels film premiere as
the frauleins escort.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
Your the frauleins escort?

LT.HICOX
Somebody has to carry the lighter.
Chuckle chuckle.

BRIDGET
The Captain is my date, but all three
are my guests. We’re old friends Major,
who go back along time. Longer then
a actress would care to admit.
Chuckle chuckle.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
Well, in that case, let me raise a glass
to the three luckiest men in the room.

BRIDGET
I’ll drink to that.

101
They cheers.

BACK TO THE REAL GERMAN TABLE
They continue to have alot of fun playing their game.

BACK TO OFFICERS TABLE

MAJOR HELLSTROM
I must say, that game their playing
looks like a good bit of fun. I didn’t
join them, because your quite right Cap’t,
officers and enlisted men shouldn’t
fraternize. But seeing as we’re all
officers here,
(Bowing to

BRIDGET)
.and sophisticated lady friends of
officers. What say we play the game?
Lt.Hicox begins to refuse, when Bridget (feeling she knows
better), interrupts him;

BRIDGET
okay, one game.

MAJOR HELLSTROM

WUNDERBAR
The Major borrows five cards from the other table, and lays
them out in front of Bridget and the officers.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
So the object of the game, is to write
the name of a famous person on your card.
Real or fictitious, doesn’t matter. For
instance, you could write Confucius or
Fu Manchu.
(He SNAPS his

FINGERS)
Eric’ More pens.
(Back to players)
And they must be famous. No Aunt Inga’s.
When you finish writing, put the card
face down on the table, and move it to
the person to your left. The person to
your right, will move their card in
front of you. You pick up the card
without looking at it, lick the back,
and stick it on your forehead like so.
He demonstrates.

)oz.

MAJOR HELLSTROM

(CON’T)
And in ten yes or no questions, you must
guess who you are…
As Major Hellstrom finishes explaining the finer points of the
game, The CAMERA PANS OFF HIM, and BEGINS SLOWLY ZOOMING INTO
STIGLITZ. The Majors dialogue begins to FADE AWAY.
Untill we’re in a SPAGHETTI WESTERN FLASHBACK. Which is RED
FILTERED FOOTAGE of Hugo being savagely WHIPPED by somebody
wearing a GESTAPO UNIFORM, SUPERIMPOSED over his CLOSE UP.
The Flashback disappears. It’s driving Stiglitz crazy, being
this close to a Gestapo uniform, and not plunging a knife into
it.
The Majors Voice comes back on the soundtrack.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
.So let’s give it a try, shall we?
Everybody write your names.
The Five players write their names…
Then move their cards to the right…
Everybody sticks their cards on their forehead…

MAJORBRIDGETWILHELMARCHIEHUGO

HELLSTROMVON HAMMERSMARKWICKIHICOXSTIGLITZ
is is is is is

KING MARCOBULLDOGBRIGITTEG.W.

KONG POLO DRUMMOND HELM PABST

MAJ.KING KONG
I’ll start, give you the idea.
Am I German?
They laugh.

BRIDGET
No.

MAJ.KING KONG
Am I a American?
They laugh – but then Wicki says;

WICKI
Wait a minute, he goes to

!03 .

BRIDGET
Don’t be ridiculous, obviously he wasn’t
born in America.

MAJ.KING KONG
So… . I visited America, aye?
The Table says; “Yes”.

MAJ.KING KONG
Was this vist…fortuitous?

WICKI
Not for you.

MAJ.KING KONG
.Bummm. My native land, is it what
one would call, exotic?
The Table confers, and decides, yes it is exotic.

MAJ.KING KONG
Hummmm. That could be ether a reference
to the jungle, or the Orient. I’m going
to let my first instinct take over, and
ask, am I from the jungle?
The Tablesays; “Yes you are”.

MAJ.KING KONG
Now gentlemen, around this time you could
ask, weather your real or fictitious.
I however, think that’s too easy, so I
won’t ask that, yet. Okay, my native land
is the jungle? I visited America, but my
visit was not fortuitous to me, but the
implication is that it was to somebody
else. When I went from the jungle to
America,… .Did I go by boat?
“Yes”.

MAJ.KING KONG
Did I go against my will?
“Yes”.

MAJ.KING KONG
On this boat ride, … . Was I in chains?

“YESIS

MAJ.KING KONG
When I arrived in America,…Was I
displayed in chains?
“Yes”.

MAJ.KING KONG
Am I the story of the Negro in America?
The Table says, “No”.

MAJ.KING KONG
Well then I must be King Kong.
Be throws the card on the table.
They applaud him.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
Nov since I answered correctly, you all
need to finnish your drinks.
The three counterfeit Nazi’s knock back their whiskey.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
Now, who’s next?

LT.HICOX
Major, I don’t mean to be rude. But the
four of us are very good friends. And
the four of us haven’t seen each other
in quite a while. So…
Major, I’m afraid, you are intruding.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
I beg to differ Cap’t. It’s only if the
fraulein considers my presence a
intrusion, that I become a intruder.
How about it fraulein? Am I intruding?

BRIDGET
Of course not, Major.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
I didn’t think so. It’s simply the young
Cap’t is immune to my charms.
The Table’s not sure what to do, is this a confrontation?
Then, the Major laughs.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
I’m just joking, of course I’m intruding.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
Allow me to refill your glasses gentlemen,
and I will bid you and the fraulein adieu.
(Leaning in)
Eric has a bottle of thirty-three year old
single malt scotch whisky from the
Scottish highlands. What do you say
gentlemen?

LT.HICOX
Your most gracious, sir.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
Eric, the thirty-three, and new glasses!
You don’t want to contaminate the thirty-
three with the swill you were drinking.

ERIC
How many glasses?

LT.HICOX
Five glasses.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
Not me. I like scotch, scotch doesn’t like
me.

BRIDGET
Nor I. I’ll stay with bubbly.
Lt.Bicox, hold up three fingers(pinky to index), to Eric the
owner.

LT.HICOX
Three glasses.
Eric brings the three glasses, and the old bottle, pouring for
the three soldiers.
Major Helistrom lifts up his beer stein, and toasts;

MAJOR HELLSTROM
To a thousand year Reich!
They all mutter, “a thousand year reich”, and toast glasses.
The Gestapo Major puts down his beer stein, and then WE HEAR a
CLICK, under the table.

MAJOR HELLSTROM
Did you hear that? That’s the sound of
my Luger pointed right at your testicles.

!Q( •

LT.HICOX
Why do you have a Luger pointed at my
testicles?

MAJOR HELLSTROM
Because you’ve just given yourself
away, Cap’t. Your no more German then
that scotch.

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