The vamp might have superhuman strength, but Sex Machine has
close to superhuman strength, and he’s matching the
vamp bitch blow for blow.
Then he GRABS her by the waist, LIFTS her up over his head
and BRINGS her DOWN HARD on an upturned table, IMPALING her
on the wooden leg.
FROST is still swinging his POOL CUE, when Razor Charlie
appears, straight razor in hand.
Frost JUMPS off the table to meet the challenge. Razor
Charlie SWINGS at him, Frost LEAPS back, SWINGING his pool
cue at him. They do this dance, till Frost CRACKS Charlie
UPSIDE the HEAD with the pool cue, breaking it in half.
Charlie FEELS the HIT. Frost PLUNGES the splintered end of
the cue in Razor Charlie’s heart.
Green blood comes out of his chest, as Charlie screams the
vampire’s death scream.
Seth comes to and finds Santanico standing over him. He
tries to rise, but Santanico places her bare foot on his
chest, pinning him down to the floor. He tries to move, but
the pressure of her foot is equivalent to an engine block
placed on his chest.
I’m not gonna drain you completely.
You’re gonna turn for me, You’ll be
my slave. You’ll live for me. You’ll
eat bugs because I order it. Because
I don’t think you’re worthy of human
blood, you’ll feed on the blood of
stray dogs. You’ll be my foot stool.
And at my command, you’ll lick the dog
shit from my boot heel. Since you’ll
be my dog, your new name will be
“Spot”. Welcome to slavery.
SLOW MOTION: A WHISKEY BOTTLE FLIES THROUGH the AIR, sailing
end over end.
looking down at Seth, her face contorts to FEED MODE, when
the bottle HITS her SQUARE in the HEAD, SHATTERING.
We see that Jacob behind the bar threw it.
Santanico, bathed in whiskey and broken glass, is
momentarily dazed. She looks down at Seth.
Seth sits up, .45 in hand, and fires.
Santanico is HIT in the CHEST. The bullet from the gun makes
the liquor-soaked robe ignite.
Santanico SCREAMS as she GOES UP IN FLAMES.
Big Emilio sees Santanico’s fiery death. He lets out a cry.
He turns his hateful gaze on the two humans.
Seth and Jacob see Big Emilio zeroing in on them, then they
see him move his big frame in their direction. Seth turns to
We may be in trouble.
Big Emilio walks steadily through the bar like Godzilla
walks through Tokyo. Tipping over tables, knocking fighting
vamps and humans alike on their asses on his way to stamp
out Seth and Jacob. A TRUCKER JUMPS in his path to attack
him, with a QUICK SWING of his hand the trucker is brushed
aside, receiving a broken neck for the effort.
Big Emilio never breaks his stride or takes his eyes off
Seth and Jacob.
Seth and Jacob both grab pieces of wood, holding it like a
weapon, but the wood looks puny compared to their opponent.
Big Emilio stands in front of them. The two men hold their
wood tight. Fangs grow in Big Emilio’s mouth that make him
look like a huge walking shark.
Just when Big Emilio’s ready to strike, he hears behind him,
Hey, you, monkey man!
Big Emilio turns and sees Sex Machine across the room.
Anything you gotta say to them, say
to me first.
Both Seth and Jacob ATTACK Big Emilio from behind. He
effortlessly knocks them away.
They both hit the ground.
Sex Machine gestures with his hand to Big Emilio to “come
Big Emilio CHARGES towards Sex Machine, like a runaway
Sex Machine stands his ground waiting for IMPACT. The two
huge men COLLIDE. What follows is literally a war of the
Gargantuans. The two mastiffs POUND each other till one
buckles. Finally, the one who buckles first is Big Emilio,
who HITS the floor.
Once on the floor, Seth and Jacob, stand over the huge vamp,
BEATING him with clubs and pipes, like L.A.’s finest. The
vamp can do nothing except SQUIRM on the floor from the
Jacob and Seth stop.
Sex Machine holds a pool cue in his hand. He SNAPS off the
end tip, making it jagged, and like a spear, STICKS it into
big vamp’s fallen body. Big Emilio, SCREAMS, TWITCHES and
dies. The pool cue sticks out straight up from the dead
Chet Pussy spies Ms. Apple Pie Pussy herself, Kate. He
breaks into a lecherous grin and licks the blood from
around his mouth.
Kate and Scott are cowering behind the bar when Chet appears
over the top. They both let out a scream. Scott goes to
protect his sister and receives a punch in the face for his
trouble. Chet dives at Kate.
You know what everybody says about me?
Chet goes to bite Kate, grabbing at her t-shirt, and sees
her crucifix. HE recoils backwards. Scott grabs hold of
his head from behind. Kate jumps up from the floor, rips
off her cross and grabs Chet by his beatnik beard, opening
his mouth. She SHOVES the cross inside. Chet’s eyes roll
up back into his head. Scott SLAPS Chet hard on the back.
Chet has swallowed the crucifix. A SIZZLING sound is heard
moving down from his throat to his belly. He opens his
mouth and lets out a noise similar to a train whistle. He
jumps up from behind the bar, doing a wild dance from pain.
He jumps from wall to wall and floor to ceiling, screaming
all the while.
Kate and Scott watch him from the bar, mischievous grins on
Chet is on his knees, arms stretched out, yelling at the top
of his lungs like a vamp King Lear.
Chet breaks off a chair leg, muttering to himself.
Stop the pain, stop the pain, stop the
pain, stop the pain, stop the pain…
He plunges the stake into his own heart, but instead of the
vampire’s cry that escapes from the others upon being
staked, Chet lets out a sigh of relief.
By this time there are not too many people left. Most of the
vampire have been killed by wooden stakes and most of the
customers have been butchered or drained.
All that’s left on the vampire side are two naked dancers
and two whores. On the human side are Seth, Jacob and his
kids, Sex Machine and Frost. Aside from the children, who
are hiding behind the bar, all the humans are holding
The four human men group together. The four female vampires
charge, teeth exposed, snarling and dripping with blood.
Seth, Jacob, Sex Machine and Frost raise their weapons and
slam, almost simultaneously, the four vamps. All four
staked bodies hit the floor.
Kate and Scott run from behind the bar to their father’s
They all stand looking at the horrible carnage that has
taken place. The floor is littered with dead bodies.
Ain’t they supposed to burn up or
At that moment a bright flash ERUPTS, illuminating
everyone’s face. The sound of quick burning flames fills
the air. Everybody shields their eyes from the intense
light, which lasts only a split second.
It vanishes, along with the bodies of the vampires. All
that remains is a smoldering mess of goo where the bodies
They all stare at the mess for a few seconds and then RUN
for the door. It’s locked. They BANG on the door, but it’s
useless. It ain’t budging, yet they all go on banging.
Except for Seth. He never ran for the door. He walks over
to his dead brother’s body and kneels beside it.
He takes his dead hand.
Richie, I’m sorry I fucked things up.
You’d really like it in El Ray. We’d
find peace there. I love you little
brother, I’ll miss ya bad.
Seth goes to kiss his brother’s lips when, RICHARD ‘S EYES
POP OPEN. They’re YELLOW. Seth RAISES his head in surprise.
I’m glad you feel that way, Seth. I
love you, too.
Richard GRABS Seth by the front of his shirt and pulls him
down to him. Fangs are now exposed. Seth tries to pull away.
He SCREAMS for the others to help. Richard PULLS Seth down
to striking distance and opens his mouth to take the big
bite, when Sex Machine grabs Seth from behind and YANKS him
from Richard’s grasp. Jacob, Frost and the kids have
surrounded Richard and proceed to KICK him and STOMP his
head. Sex Machine picks up a chair and SMASHES it against a
wall. He picks up one of the chair legs and walks over to
where the others are holding Richard down. Richard sees the
wood in the biker’s hand. He knows what that means. Seth
whips out his .45 and points it at Sex Machine.
Touch my brother with that stake,
biker, and vampires won’t need to
suck your blood, they’ll be able to
lick it up off the floor.
He ain’t your brother no more.
That’s a matter of opinion, and I
don’t give a fuck about your’s.
Jacob, Frost and the kids continue to hold Richard down to
Don’t be an idiot, he’ll kill us all!
Seth aims his gun at the group.
Yeah, shut up.
Seth, still holding the outstretched gun, takes the stake
out of Sex Machine’s hand. Seth lowers the .45.
Hold him down.
The smile evaporates from Richard’s face.
Richie, here’s the peace in death I
could never give you in life.
Seth puts the stake over Richard’s heart. Using the butt of
his .45 like a hammer, he POUNDS the stake into Richard’s
heart. Richard screams and dies. They all stand around the
body as it BURSTS INTO FLAMES and disintegrates into goo.
Seth breaks away from the group and walks over to the bar.
He grabs a bottle of whiskey and starts downing it. Kate,
of all people, walks away from the group and joins Seth at
Are you okay?
Peachy! Why shouldn’t I be? The
world’s my oyster, except for the
fact that I just rammed a wooden
stake in my brother’s heart because
he turned into a vampire, even
though I don’t believe in vampires.
Aside from that unfortunate business,
I’m really sorry.
Bullshit! You hate us. If you had half
a chance you’d feed us to them!
Then why didn’t I?
Jacob walks over to Seth.
I saved your life. I didn’t have to,
but I did. And I’m sorry you lost your
brother. I’m sorry he’s dead. I’m
sorry everybody’s dead. Now, if we’re
gonna get out of this we need each
other. And we need you sober and
thinking, not drunk and…
As Jacob has been talking, a sound has started that has
grown LOUDER and LOUDER. Jacob stops in mid-sentence to
What the hell is that?
At first I just thought it was birds.
No, it’s more of a gnawing sound.
Birds peck, they don’t gnaw. Rats
Seth puts the bottle in his hand down.
EXT. TITTY TWISTER – NIGHT
The outside of the Titty Twister is literally covered with
hats, CLAWING, FLAPPING, GNAWING, trying like hell to get
INT. TITTY TWISTER – NIGHT
Everybody listens to the bats SCRATCHING and clawing all
along the walls, the roof and at the front door. Everyone’s
scared shitless and nobody has the slightest idea what to
do next. The door begins to crack and splinter, little
claws poke their way through.
Give me a hand!
Jacob runs to a table top. He grabs it and covers the area
the bats are trying to claw through. The others grab other
items to help secure and barricade the door.
As the survivors are panickedly boarding up the door and
the windows, a DEAD BIKER that the vampires fed on, pops
open his yellow eyes. He sits up and sees all the furious
activity. Everyone’s so busy they don’t notice their new
friend. The dead biker vamp sets his sights on Kate, who’s
putting a board into place. He springs to his feet and
POUNCES on her, just as Sex Machine turns from across the
room in her direction.
Watch out, girly!
The biker vamp GRABS Kate from behind. She lets out a
scream. The vamp holds her close to him in a bear hug, but
she’s moving around so much he can’t get a clear bite. The
others hear the scream and look toward Kate. Sex Machine,
Big Emilio’s baseball bat in hand, is halfway to the rescue.
As the biker vamp opens his mouth to take a juicy bite out
of Kate’s shoulder, Kate RAMS her head back, hitting the
vamp in the mouth and breaking his fangs. He releases her
and spits out his teeth just as Sex Machine runs up and
SWINGS the baseball bat upside the vamp’s head, breaking
the bat in two and sending the vamp to the floor. As the
vamp lies on the floor seeing stars, Sex Machine grabs one
of the broken ends of the bat and SHOVES it in the vamp’s
heart. He dies and bursts into flames.
At that point, three other dead victims rise to a sitting
position. Sex Machine grabs a chair and THROWS it to the
ground, breaking it. He grabs the four legs.
(mumbling to himself)
Goddamn fuckin’ vampires.
The biker has turned into Captain Sex Machine, Vampire
Hunter. He stakes two of the vampires as they get to their
feet. Both SPEW green blood, scream, die and burst into
flames. The third, a trucker vampire wearing a cat cap,
SMACKS Sex Machine in the mouth, which sends the biker for
As CAT CAP runs toward the fallen Sex Machine, Kate JUMPS
on his back from behind. Both of them go tumbling into a
stack of whiskey cases. Sex Machine runs over and grabs Kate
by the hand, pulling her up and out of the way. Cat Cap is
lying in a pile of broken bottles and whiskey. Sex Machine
raises his stake as Cat Cap dies and DRIVES it in the
vamp’s black heart. Cat Cap dies and bursts into flames,
which hits the whiskey, starting a giant fire.
Frost and Jacob stop barricading and run to the fire.
(to Sex Machine)
We’ll put this out. You stake the rest
of these fuckers.
Way ahead of ya.
What’s your name, girly?
Kate, what’s yours?
Sex Machine. Pleased to meet’cha.
Kate, let’s stake these blood-sucker
Kate and Sex Machine give each other a high five and go to
work STAKING the dead bodies.
Jacob and FROST beat down the fire with their jackets and
whatever else is at hand.
A hole begins to appear where a window had been plastered
over. Little claws scrape their way through. Scott stands
in front of the window.
We got a problem!
Seth, who is barricading doors and window, looks in Scott’s
direction. The hole in the plaster cracks open and out POPS
a little, fleshy vampire bat/rat head. The bat/rat, which is
SQUEAKING and HISSING its head off, tries to SQUEEZE its
body through the newly formed hole.
Seth, gun in hand, RUNS to the window. He points the .45,
point-blank range at the head of the bat/rat.
The bat/rat sees this, makes an “oh shit” face, and YANKS
his head back through the hole.
Seth was ready to fire, he lowers his gun in bewilderment,
The bat/rat BURSTS through the hole, like shot out of a
cannon, HITTING Seth in the gut and sending him FLYING,
LANDING HARD on his back.
Once Seth hits the ground, the bat-thing (which has the body
of a fat rat with a bat’s large wingspan) lickity-split
RUNS UP Seth’s body to his juggler. Seth’s hand GRABS the
bat’s neck, and tries to PUSH it away. But the bat-thing has
its CLAWS DUG in Seth’s clothes. The bat-thing is just
inches from Seth’s face. Its mouth is SNAPPING.
Get this bastard off of me!
Frost leaves Jacob with the fire, comes from behind and
GRABS the bat-thing and YANKS it off of Seth.
Sex Machine and Kate are a green, bloody mess from their
preventative staking of dead bodies. Sex Machine kneels by a
dead body, raising the stake in his hand to spear him. The
body SPRINGS UP and bites Sex Machine on the arm. Red blood
squirts all over. Sex Machine screams, then brings the stake
down in the body’s chest. It dies, burns and turns into goo.
Sex Machine holds his bit arm and wraps it with a piece of
his shirt. He quickly looks around to see if anybody saw him
get bit. Nobody saw it, everybody was too busy.
Frost holds the FLAPPING, FIGHTING, SNAPPING bat-thing in
front of him at arm’s length. He struggles with it for a
BASHES its head against the bar. The first bash takes some
fight out of the little fucker, so… Frost BASHES his head
against the bar six or seven times. He then THROWS the
bat-thing on the bar, turns it over, garbs a pencil in a
cup next to the register, and RAMS it in the bat-thing’s
heart. The bat-thing coughs and dies. There’s a FLASH of
FLAMES, followed by a pile of goo.
Sex Machine and Kate have covered up a hole in the plastered
window with a table while Frost, Scott and Seth wrestle with
Jacob has put out the fire. Everybody comes together,
exhausted, and takes a breather. Outside, the bats continue
to try and claw their way in.
Is everybody okay?
Everyone mutters “yeah.”
Okay, does anybody here know what’s
Yeah, I know what’s going on. We got
a bunch of fuckin’ vampires outside
trying to get inside and suck our
fuckin’ blood! That’s it, plain and
simple. And I don’t wanna hear any
bullshit about “I don’t believe in
vampires” because I don’t fuckin’
believe in vampires either. But I do
believe in my own two fuckin’ eyes,
and with my two eyes I saw fuckin’
vampires! Now, does everybody agree
we’re dealin’ with vampires.
You too, preacher?
I’m like you. I don’t believe in
vampires, but I believe in what I saw.
Good for you. Now, since we all
believe we’re dealing with vampires,
what do we know about vampires?
Crosses hurt vampires. Do you have a
In the Winnebago.
In other words, no.
What are you talking about? We got
crosses all over the place. All you
gotta do is put two sticks together
and you got a cross.
He’s right. Peter Cushing does that
all the time.
I don’t know about that. In order for
it to have any power, I think it’s
gotta be an official crucifix.
What’s an official cross? Some piece
of tin made in Taiwan? What makes that
official? If a cross works against
vampires, it’s not the cross itself,
it’s what the cross represents. The
cross is a symbol of holiness.
Okay, I’ll buy that. So we got crosses
covered, moving right along, what
Wooden stakes in the heart been
workin’ pretty good so far.
Garlic, holy water, sunlight… I
forget, does silver do anything to a
I know silver bullets are werewolves.
But I’m pretty sure silver has some
sort of effect on vampires.
Does anybody have any silver?
Then who cares?
Jacob looks at his watch.
About two hours from now.
So all we have to do is get by for a
few more hours and then we can walk
right out the front door.
Yeah, that’s true, but I doubt our
barricades, that door, those plastered
windows and these walls will last two
more hours with those bat fucks
fuckin’ with ‘em.
Has anybody here read a real book
about vampires, or are we just
remembering what a movie said? I mean
a real book.
You mean like a Time-Life book?
(in a cowboy voice)
John Wesley Hardin, so mean he once
shot a man for snorin’.
I take it the answer’s no. Okay then,
what do we know about these vampires?
Aside from they’re thirsty.
Well, one thing, they might got super
human strength, but you can hurt ‘em.
Yeah, that bottle upside the head of
Santanico didn’t kill her, but it
didn’t feel too good either.
Another thing, you try and ram a
broken chair leg in a human, you
better be one strong son-of-a-bitch.
The human body is one rough-tough
machine. But these vamps got soft
bodies. The texture of their skin is
softer, mushier. You can push shit
right through ‘em. Conceivably, if
you hit one hard enough, you could
take their fuckin’ head off.
You could take their head off.
Actually, our best weapon against
these satanic cocksuckers is this man.
(he points at Jacob)
He’s a preacher.
Frost and Sex Machine look toward Jacob.
As far as God’s concerned, we might
just as well be a piece of fuckin’
shit. But he’s one of the boys. Only
one problem, his faith ain’t what it
used to be.
Jacob PUNCHES Seth in the mouth, sending him to the floor.
Jacob stands over him.
I’ve had enough of your taunts.
Seth looks up from the floor.
I’m not taunting you. We need you. A
faithless preacher doesn’t mean shit
to us. But a man who’s a servant of
God can grab a cross, shove it in
these monsters’ asses. A servant of
God can bless the tap water and turn
it into a weapon.
I know why you lost your faith. How
could true holiness exist if your wife
can be taken away from you and your
children? Now, I always said God can
kiss my fuckin’ ass. Well, I changed
my lifetime tune about thirty minutes
ago’ cause I know, without a doubt,
what’s out there trying to get in
here is pure evil straight from hell.
And if there is a hell, and those
monsters are from it, there’s got to
be a heaven. Now which are you, a
faithless preacher or a mean,
mother fuckin’ servant of God?
Jacob has to laugh at that. So does everybody else. Jacob
sticks out his hand and shakes Seth’s.
I’m a mean, mother fucking servant of
The laughter and good humor passes quickly and the only
sound to be heard is that of the bats gnawing and clawing.
It immediately reminds the group of the deep, deep shit
I don’t know if I can take two hours
of that noise.
You can. You’ll take it ’cause ya got
no choice. How’d ya like twenty four
hours of it, lying in a muddy ditch
with only the rotting corpses of your
friends to keep you company?
What are you talking about?
Back in ’72 I was in Nam, trapped
behind enemy lines, lying in a rat hole
with my entire squad dead. They
thought they killed everybody, and
except for me, they were right. But it
wasn’t for lack of trying. A grenade
blew up right next to me, that’s why
I’m so pretty.
They thought I was dead, so I played dead. They dumped all
the bodies in a ditch. All I could do was lie there playing
possum. Dead bodies under me, dead bodies on top of me,
listening to the enemy laugh and joke hour after hour after
As Frost goes into his monologue, the sound fades out and
the camera moves to Sex Machine. He’s having a hot flash. He
can’t hear anything. He’s looking at Frost speaking, but he
doesn’t hear any sound. Then he hears a deep, MALE VOICE
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
“Who the fuck was that?” he thinks to himself. He turns
around: nobody’s there. No one else in the group seems to
hear it, A FEMALE VOICE seductively says:
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)
We hear Sex Machine’s thought in a voice answer.
SEX MACHINE (V.O.)
Stop fucking saying that!
TWO MALE VOICES (V.O.)
SEX MACHINE (V.O.)
That bite weren’t nothin’. It just
hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, that’s
all. It barely punched the skin.
Sex Machine looks at Frost, who’s acting out his story. The
biker is pantomiming fighting and slashing. He’s describing
all the while, but we can’t hear anything. All we hear are
many voices, male, female, children saying:
Thirst… Thirst… Thirst…
Sex Machine begins looking at the other members of the group
in a thirsty way. He stares at each of their necks, closer
and closer until he can see the veins on Frost’s neck
actually pulsating, throbbing, beckoning to him. Sex Machine
has turned into a vampire.
The sound comes back as Frost finishes his story.
…and then when I came back to my
senses, I realized I had killed the
entire V.C. squadron single handedly.
My bayonet had blood and chunks of
yellow flesh on it like some cannibal
shish kabob. And to this day I don’t
have the slightest idea how I —
Sex Machine lets out a hideous cry.
Frost SCREAMS as Sex Machine grabs hold of him and BITES
into his neck.
The group tries to PULL the TWO men apart.
Jacob gets his arm around Sex Machine’s neck and tries
Sex Machine takes his teeth out of the biker’s neck and
SINKS them in Jacob’s arm.
Jacob SCREAMS and lets go.
Seth, Kate and Scott react to Jacob being bit.
Sex Machine GRABS Jacob and TOSSES him effortlessly over the
bar, CRASHING into a shelf full of liquor bottles.
Frost HOPS around the room, mad as a hornet, holding his
I been bit! He fuckin’ bit me!
Sex Machine PUNCHES Seth in the face, dropping him like a
sack of potatoes.
He smacks the shit out of Kate. She goes FLYING into a
Sex Machine turns, seeing Frost breaking off a big table
leg. Frost looks at the big vamp.
(to Sex Machine)
You’re dead, mother fucker! You’re
gonna bite me! You just turned me
into a vampire, asshole!
What are you gonna do about it?
Frost, table leg in hand, RUNS, SCREAMING his head off,
straight at Sex Machine.
Sex Machine’s nostrils flare. He raises his meaty fist and
pulls it back, so he can really haul off.
Frost, top speed, stake raised, screaming. Sex Machine lets
loose with his punch, Seth, Scott and Kate look up from the
floor. Jacob rises from behind the bar. Frost’s face
COLLIDES with Sex Machine’s fist. Sex Machine hits Frost so
hard it lifts the biker off the ground and propels him
through the air.