And what if I did it?
Well, I definitely couldn’t file you under
chicken shit then, now could I?
What’s your name again?
Well, Stuntman Mike…
My friend Jungle Julia over here says that
jukebox inside is pretty impressive.
Yeah, it is.
I want you go get ready
for your lap dance.
Ready to go?
Looking good, Cannonball Run!
He’s just giving me a ride.
Ah. No doubt.
Have a nice ride.
Look, double fucks!
I am not gonna fuck him.
I can hear you.
He’s old enough to be my dad.
I can still hear you.
I love her ass.
Wow. That’s fucking scary.
Well, I wanted to be impressive, and…
Scary tends to impress.
Is it safe?
No, it’s better than safe.
It’s Death Proof.
How do you make a car death proof?
Well, that’s what stuntmen do.
You’ve seen a movie where
a car gets into some smash up…
…there ain’t no way in hell
anybody’s walkin’ away from?
How do you think they accomplish that?
Well, unfortunately Pam, nowadays,
more often than not, you’re right.
But back in the all or nothing days…
The Vanishing Point days,
the Dirty Mary Crazy Larry days
The White Line Fever days…
Real cars smashing into real cars.
Real dumb people driving them.
So give the stunt team
the car you wanna smash up.
They take her, reinforce that
fucker everywhere and…
You got yourself a death proof automobile.
That makes sense. I just didn’t know
you can make a car death proof.
I can drive this baby into a brick wall
doing 125 miles an hour.
Just for the experience.
Why is your passenger seat in a box?
Well this is a movie car.
Sometimes when you’re shooting a crash,
the director wants to put a camera in the car.
And he’ll shoot the crash from the inside.
That’s where you put the camera.
They call it a crash box here.
There you go.
You know when you asked
to drive me home…
You didn’t mention your car
didn’t have a passenger seat.
Actually, I didn’t ask to drive you home.
You asked me for a ride,
and I said, yes.
But look at the bright side, Pam.
I won’t be getting fresh
putting my hand on your knee.
That is the bright side.
I thought so.
Which way you going,
left or right?
Oh, that’s too bad.
Because it was a fifty fifty shot on
whether you’d be going left or right.
You see we’re both going left.
You could have just as easily
been going left, too.
And if that was the case…
It would have been a while
before you started getting scared.
But since you’re going the other way,
I’m afraid you’re gonna
have to start getting scared…
Fuckin’ let me out of here.
Stop the fucking car.
I get it.
This was all joke?
How super funny it is.
Really funny. Okay.
You could stop now.
If you just drop me off?
Remember when I said
this car was death proof?
Well, that wasn’t a lie.
This car is a hundred percent death proof.
Only to get the benefit of it, honey…
You really need to be sitting in my seat.
Now I gotta catch me my other girlfriends.
No. It’s Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mitch and Titch.
So you got it?
You’re gonna play it next song, right?
What do you want to hear?
Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mitch and Titch.
Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mitch and Titch.
Who the fuck are they?
For you information Pete Townshend
at one point almost quit The Who
And if he had, he would have
ended up in this group.
Thus making it
Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mitch Titch and Pete.
And if you ask me, he should have.
That’s my boy.
I wanna hear this helluva song louder.
I don’t remember.
What’s the patient’s prognosis, Doctor Block?
I don’t really see
it’s any of your business.
Come on now.
You just tell us.
How bad is it?
He got banged up real good.
Busted nose. Broken collar-bone.
Smashed up his left index finger.
He was real lucky.
That’ll be all?
Well, that’s more than enough.
Now I wanna thank you Doctor Block.
Son of a bitch.
What do you think?
Well Son, number one…
What I think is so goddamn ghoulish
I hesitate to speak it out loud.
Well, give it a shot.
Well, what we have here is a
case of vehicular homicide.
That old boy in there
murdered pretty little girls.
I mean he used a car
not a hatchet, but…
They’re dead just the same.
What are you gonna do?
Not a goddamn thing.
D.A. says ain’t no crime here.
One of the girls was
swimming in alcohol…
… floatin’ on weed.
The old “Hooper” in here…
He was as clean as a whistle.
You actually think that he
premeditatedly murdered the girls?
Well, I can’t prove it.
But since thinking don’t cost nothin’
I can think it, and I do.
Yeah, but Pop
He got pretty banged up hisself.
Hell yeah, he got banged up.
But God damn, I mean the pretty girls looked like
a goddamn giant chewed them and spit them out.
Did any of them survive?
– Oh, shit.
Two tons of metal.
Two hundred miles an hour.
I’d guesstamate it’s a sex thing.
The only way I can figure it.
High velocity impact.
Twisted metal. Busting glass.
All four souls taking
exactly at the same time.
Probably the only way that diabolical
degenerate can shoot his goo.
Your timing couldn’t be better, Zoe.
It just so happens that we’re all three
off duty for the next three days of shooting.
Fuckin’ hell, how does that happen?
Well, I’m doing Lindsey Lohan’s make up,
and she’s off for the next three days.
There’s no stunts being filmed
during that time, so Kim’s free.
And Lee’s on a will notify
for the next four days.
So how’s the shoot going?
We’re having the best time.
The director, Cecil Evans is so much fun.
We’re making the coolest movie and partying.
All the time.
– Hell, yeah.
The next job after this one is
definitely gonna suck.
So let’s hear it ladies.
“Set Romances”, who’s getting it off?
That would be Lee and Toolbox.
The name sounds promising.
– He’s a grip.
What he is, is a pervert.
Well, he just keeps sounding
better and better.
What’s his perversion?
He likes to watch me pee.
Lee is sitting on the toilet and
Toolbox is watching her pee.
Yeah, but not no more.
Now she’s gettin’ it on with The Rock.
Your havin’ one off with The Rock?
Not the Real Rock.
He’s an electrician named Bruce.
And Kim started calling him The Rock
cause kinda looks like The Rock.
So now we all just call him The Rock.
Kim – dick department – let’s hear it.
No dick this trip.
I gotta man.
How long have you had this boyfriend?
About three months.
Who did you steal him from?
He totally had a girlfriend.
All of Kim’s boyfriends start out
as somebody else’s boyfriend.
I did not steal him.
I didn’t steal any of them… They just…
… jumped ship.
So what’s your story, Abernathy?
Abby’s got the big Kahuna.
I had a set crush on Cecil.
Set crush, nigga please.
You were his set wife.
Were and had
being the key words here.
Bitch, you two are still into each
other and you know it.
Oh yeah, well if he’s
so in love with me, then…
Why did he fuck Daryl Hannah’s stand in?
Yes, men are dogs. Oh, it’s so funny.
Oh, it’s so funny.
Oh stop actin’ like you all hurt,
your ass is just mad.
Yeah, he’s a stand-in fucker.
Bitch, you need to get over that shit.
That was two weeks ago.
Oh, well now you put it like that.
I haven’t told you the best part.
He fucked her on my birthday.
Oh. That’s a horse of a different color.
Did he know it was your birthday?
He’s a director, he’s kind of busy.
He ate a piece of my birthday cake
… and he got me a present.
Yeah. I think he knew.
What did he give?
He made me a tape.
He made you a tape?
He didn’t burn you a CD,
he made you a tape?
– Ah man, it’s so romantic.
Yes, I know what you’re gonna say,
so don’t even go there.
It sounds like the test of true love to me.
I know you guys like him, he’s likeable.
But he fucked another woman
on my birthday.
How can you not be on my side?
Well I admit that sounds bad.
It is bad.
It just sounds like there’s a little
more to it than that.
Were you two fucking?
– Hell no.
Hello, is your name Abernathy?
The answer to your question is no.
Of course not.
What do you mean, “no, of course not”?
The reason Cecil hasn’t had
a girlfriend in six years,
is because girls will fuck him.
And if you fuck Cecil, you
don’t become one of his girlfriends.
Not to say I want to be his girlfriend.
But if I did want to be his girlfriend…
If I fucked him, I wouldn’t be his girlfriend.
I’d be one of his regulars.
And I’m just getting
too fuckin’ old for that shit.
Have you let him do anything?
I’ve let him give me a foot massage.
And when we go to the movies,
I’ve let him hold my hands.
Bitch, you might be acting like
you’re twelve years old.
But he’s just acting like a man.
You need to break that nigga off a piece.
Let me get this straight.
You’re not fuckin’ him.
You’re not sucking him.
You’re not giving him any tongue.
But Daryl Hannah’s stand in is.
You know some cultures might say
he made the wise choice.
Zoe, Kim and I are in the
Philippines at an outdoor rave.
What were you working on?
“Three Kicks To The Head Part III”
And admittedly, we were a little fucked up.
Cheers to that.
…wants to take a picture of me.
It’s dark as hell and you can’t see shit.
So she’s got her camera and keeps saying,
“Step back a little.”
So I do.
“A little further”,
so I step back a little further.
Then “A little more”, so I do.
Then I realize…
I’m right at the edge
of a seven foot concrete ditch.
With God knows how many rocks and
broken bottles and rats in it.
And if I fell in that fuckin’ thing, I probably
would’ve broken my fuckin’ neck.
So I’m yelling at her,
“Zoe, you almost killed me.”
So we laugh about it,
and walk a little further…
And Zoe starts fuckin’ around
And then if she doesn’t fall
in the fuckin’ ditch.
I remember taking a step looking down.
Just as I’m thinking
“Oh, there’s that ditch Abby was talking about.”
Bam, I’m in the fuckin’ ditch.
What? With Zoe the Cat?
If I fell in that fuckin’ thing,
They would have had to
helicopter me out of there.
Zoe just lands on her feet.
But then later…
I started feeling a little bad about myself.
Zoe falls in the ditch…
And it’s nothing.
We were laughing about it.
If I fell in that fuckin’ thing,
I probably would have been fuckin’ paralyzed.
Oh honey, you can’t think like that.
We all have our individual talents.
That just happens to be one of Zoe’s.
Zoe is amazing.
I mean agility, reflexes, nimbleness.
There’s few human beings
that can fuck with Zoe on that front.
Kim, I like you, too.
Having said that…
Before you get too envious
of Zoe’s prowess…
You’re missing the
most important part of that story.
You didn’t fall in the ditch.
Zoe even knew there was a ditch
there because you told her.
And she still fell in.
So Lee’s right.
We all have our talents.
I resemble that remark.
So Kim, you still pack a Roscoe?
Check it out, bitch.
Oh, nice one, Mate.
What’s a Roscoe?
Roscoe is a pistol.
You carry a gun?
Do you have a license to carry it?
When I became a Secret Service Agent,
they gave me a license.
I didn’t know you were.
Okay, I didn’t say it.
Stop looking at me, I didn’t say it.
Did you know Kim carried a gun?
Do I approve?
Do I know?
I don’t know what futuristic utopia
you live in, but the world I live in…
A bitch need a gun.
You can’t get around the fact…
… that people who carry guns
… tend to get shot
more than people who don’t.
And you can’t get around the fact…
that if I go down in the laundry room
in my building at midnight enough times
I might get my ass raped.
Don’t do your laundry at midnight.
Fuck that! I wanna do my laundry
whenever the fuck I wanna do my laundry.
There are other things
you can carry other than a gun.
But if a motherfucker try to rape me,
I don’t wanna give him a skin rash.
I wanna shut that nigga down.
How about a knife at least?
You know what happens to
motherfuckers carrying knives?
They get shot.
If I ever become a famous actress
I won’t carry a gun.
I’ll hire me a do-dirt-nigga
and he’ll carry the gun.
And when shit goes down,
I’ll sit back and laugh.
But until that day…
It’s Wild West motherfucker.
You thought about
what you wanna do first?
It just so happens…
I know exactly what I wanna do.
And what would that be?
To me there’s no point in being in America
unless you’re gonna
drive a Destroit muscle car.
I wanna drive a Dodge Challenger.
Fuck me swinging, balls out.
Well, I guess we can talk to transpo-
But does it have to be a
Not just that.
It has to be a 1970 Dodge
Challenger with a 440 engine.
How in the fuck…
Do you expect to do that?
No worries, Mate.
I’ve got it all worked out.
When I knew I was coming here,
I went online and found out that the
local paper here in Tennessee…
Is the Lebanon News Sentinel.
So back home…
I’m sorry, where’s home,
What do you mean by that, Mate?
Zoe’s from New Zealand.
And you never…
I repeat never…
… call a Kiwi an Aussie.
That is unless you want your ass kicked.
I’m so sorry…
We’re just taking the piss
out of you, Mate.
Auckland – to answer your question.
Anyway, I subscribed to the
local paper a month ago.
Now why the fuck you want a local
redneck newspaper in New Zealand?
Pipe down and I’ll tell you.
I’ve been getting the
paper for the last month.
I’ve been checking the classifieds
in the back looking at cars for sale.
As of yesterday,
for sale in this town
Some dude is selling his stock
1970 Dodge Challenger
with a 440 engine,
and a white paint job.
And you wanna buy it?
Kim, I may be stupid…
But I’m not bloody stupid.
I wanna say I wanna buy it,
so he’ll let me test drive it.
A 1970 Dodge Challenger
with a white paint job?
Kowalski from “Vanishing Point”, Mate.
It’s a fucking classic.
If I can get this guy to
let me drive it without him
I’ll blow the doors of that bitch.
What’s “Vanishing Point”?
What’s “Vanishing Point”?
I’m supposed to be the illiterate one.
It’s just one of the best
American movies ever made.
Actually Zoe, most girls…
…wouldn’t know “Vanishing Point”
Excuse me, most girls?
What the fuck are you two?
Yeah, well, we’re gearheads.
Of course we watched it.
You all grew up watching that
“Pretty in Pink” shit.
I like “Pretty in Pink”.
What so you didn’t watch
John Hughes movies?
Of course I did. I’m a girl.
But I also watched car shit, too.
“Dirty Marry”, “Crazy Larry”
“Gone in 60 Seconds”
The real one.
Not that Angelina Jolie bullshit.
We have an outdoor theatre in Auckland
that plays “Vanishing Point”
All the classics.
What do you girls want?
You’ve got a 1970 Dodge
Challenger for sale?
Right up here ladies.
There she is off the fuckin’ hook.
Fucking legendary, Mate.
If you’ll excuse me for a moment
I’d like to have a word alone
with my business associate.
You ladies take your time.
What are you waiting for?
Ask him you want to drive it by yourself.
I intend to.
But first I need to ask you something.
If he lets us take it out on our own
I wanna play Ships Mast.
Aww, hell no.
– Keep it down.
Ain’t no way, I’m doing Ships Mast.
For Christsakes, Kim.
– Don’t blaspheme.
What did you say after the last time?
I know what I said.
– What did you say?
I know I said we shouldn’t
do this again, but…
No, you didn’t say “We shouldn’t”
You said, we ain’t ever
gonna do that again.
– But my ass.
You said, not only are we never
gonna play Ships Mast again
But you also said, if you
ever do what you try to do now,
to not only refuse, but that I had permission to
physically restrain your ass, if necessary.
Now, did you or did you not say that?
Naw naw naw naw.
Answer the question, muthafucker!
Did you or did you not say that?
Yes, I said that. However –
Whatever with your however.
I know I said that.
And I know I meant it.
Damn skimpy you meant it.
But when I said it,
I didn’t mean in America.
Really, I meant we should never play Ships
Mast again in New Zealand or Australia.
You are such a liar.
I know what I said, when I said that.
But when I said it, I didn’t know
I’d ever come to America.
And when I said it,
if I had known I’d come to America
and have the opportunity to play Ships Mast
on a fuckin’ Vanishing Point Challenger
I would have added a however.
Okay, oddly enough,
I actually understood that.
Just because you talked yourself
into some stupid shit
It doesn’t mean I have
lost my goddamn mind.
You need two people
to play ships mast.
And I ain’t playing.
I’ll be your best friend.
I don’t need me no best friend that lives
on the other side of planet earth.
I’ll crack your back.
You’ll crack it anyway.
Of course I would crack it anyway.
While I’m here…
I’ll be your back cracking slave.
Whenever you want it, you’ve got it.
You don’t even have to ask for it.
You just order me to do it,
“Bitch, get over here and get busy.”
So we’re gonna see if this guy’ll
let us take the car out without him.
If he does, you wait here with Lee
and we’ll be back in a moment.
I said we’re gonna see if this guy’ll
let us take the car out without him.
I heard what you said.
I just can’t believe what you said.
You know you two guys got
some fuckin’ balls.