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My Best Friend’s Birthday Transcript

They shake hands

Old man: Right? So we got no problem?

Clarence: we got no problem as far as in this…

Old man: as an actor, Clarence, he was a lost score…

Clarence: this is where we differ; we’ll always differ at this point

Old man: there’s no argue, I’m sorry…

Clarence: we’re always gonna differ in this same goddam–

Old man: Marlon Brando is a great actor

Clarence: and he makes some shitty movies…

Old man: Never! Never make a shitty movie, Clarence!

Clarence: “A Countess from Hong Kong” is a shitty movie!

Old man: Never made a shitty movie!

Clarence: “A Countess from Hong Kong” sucks dick!

Old man: Marlon Brando is a great actor, Clarence; do you understand me, huh? You ever see “The Wild one”?

Cut to:INT. Mickey’s apartment, bathroom.

Mickey is taking a bath when suddenly the shower door opens.

Misty: Hi Mickey! I’m Misty Knight, your birthday surprise! Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Mickey, happy birthday to you, yayy! Now I will wait outside for you and when you are done in here you come up there and we’ll start our party, ok? Oh and keep it casual, what you have on is fine…

She closes the door…

. Cut to: INT. Store again

Clarence: In “Jailhouse Rock” he’s everything rockabilly’s about., I mean he IS Rockabilly: mean, nasty, he couldn’t get a fuck about anything except rock n’ roll, live fast, die young, and have a good looking corpse. I love that scene where after he’s made it big he’s throwing a big cocktail party, and all these highbrows are there, singing “Baby You’re So Square… Baby, I Don’t Care”. They got him wearing these stupid pants, the turtle neck sweater and they even got him wear I think penny loafers for Christ Sake! Doesn’t matter, all the highbrows at the party, the big house, the stupid clothes, he’s still a rude-lookin’ motherfucker. I’d watch that hillbilly and I’d want to be him so bad. Elvis looked good. I’m no fag, but Elvis was good-lookin’. I always said if I ever had to fuck a guy… I mean had too ’cause my life depended on it… I’d fuck Elvis.

Old man: Yeah, well I know what you mean. I wouldn’t go so far as saying that I’d fuck him but….

Cut to:INT. Mickey’s apartment, living room…..

Misty is laid on the couch waiting for Mickey….

When suddenly a black male abruptly enters the room.

Man: What’cha doin’?

The black man grabs the Girl by the neck

Clifford: I came all the way here to find —

Misty: Ouch! Clifford, my head!

Clifford: I’m so angry with you… AHH

They both fall from the couch

…… Cut to: INT. Store again

Old Man: With a picture of him on my wall, I used to say: Hey Biggie! [to his wife:]Am I right honey? I called him Biggie…

Wife: He called him Biggie

Old Man: I’d say “ Hey Biggie, I love ya, come on you can do it”

Clarence: I hear ya talking–

Old Man: Still and all, I gotta give the Beatles their due; they came out with Sargent Lonely– what was it?

Clarence: “Sargent Pepper’s Lonely Heart Club Band”

Old Man: “Sargent Pepper’s Lonely Heart Club Band” and what does Elvis do? What does The King do?? He comes out with the soundtrack of “It happened at the Fair”?!

Clarence: “It Happened at the World’s Fair”

Old Man: Common, please. Allright. What you want on this cake Clarence, huh¿?

Clarence looks for the note on his pocket.

Old Man: It’s very disturbing, you know? I mean when you think about an answer you can’t get through it.

Clarence: What can’t you get through?

Old Man: Colonel Parker got the guy surrounded–

Clarence: He’s an asshole, Colonel Parker is an asshole

Old Man: If you just let the FANS tell Elvis what to do…

Clarence: Right. After he got off the army it’s just wasn’t quite–

Old Man [interrupting Clarence]: What do you want written on this fucking cake?

Clarence: Ok, [Reading from not:] Friendshi–

Old man [to his wife]: What’s going on?

Wife [about his son]: He wants to leave early, he came in late, he wants to leave early.

Old Man [to his son]: Were you goin’? Are you going to College? You are here because you are NOT in College. You got things to do.

Wife: Exactly!

Old Man [to Clarence]: Don’t ever get married, don’t ever get divorced…

Clarence: … and don’t ever have a son

Old Man: specially a baboon… [laughs]

Clarence: Ok, “Friendship! Friendship will always be—“

Old Man [to his son again]: Jerry, don’t argue with Roxie, you do what she tells ya. [to Clarence]: common I’m listenin’

Clarence: “Friendship will always be the bond between Mickey and Me, the joy of always knowing, our bond is growing, because our friendship is showing—“

Old Man: woowow… hold it, time out green bay! I can’t fit that all on the fucking cake, come on!

Clarence: Why not?

Old Man: look at the size of the cake; do you see the same cake? Allright? It won’t all go on there…

Clarence: ok, how much of what I said can you get on the cake?

Old Man: I can get maybe “Happy Birthday Mickey”… uh…

‘Cut To:’INT. Mickey’s apartment… Black man Clifford got Misty on his back trying to escape from his grip.

Clifford: Get off my back!

Misty: I swear, let go off me!

When suddenly Mickey comes out from the bathroom

Mickey: you know you’re right; I really could use some–

Clifford: YOU! Your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower!

Cut To: INT. Cecil apartment, Clarence’s girlfriend. Bedroom. She’s laid on the bed when the phone starts ringing.

Cecil: Hello?

Clarence [in an Elvis tone]: Hellooo baby!

Cecil: Clarence!

Clarence: now look Cecil, the reason I called you is because I’m having a party and I want you to come down here, is in my place except is for my best friend Mickey, yeh is his birthday…

Cecil: Clarence, listen–

Clarence: It’s gonna be you, me and his girlfriend, who he hasn’t met yet but he don’t know that yet, but he will, don’t worry about that.

Cecil: but Clarence–

Clarence: nah, nah, nah just wear any old thing as long as is nice.

Cut To: INT. Mickey’s apartment, living room. Meanwhile, Mickey and Clifford get into a karate fight. Finally, Mickey punches Clifford’s face and knocks him down.

Cut to:INT. Cecil’s bedroom again

Cecil: look, I can’t come over, ok? In fact, I can’t ever see you again.

Clarence: this has the familiar ring of that long head boyfriend of yours, is this it?

Cecil: Yeh, yes, it’s Eddie and he’s been spying on me. He knows that we’ve been seeing each other.

Clarence: So?

Cecil: So you don’t know Eddie, he is really strong…

Cut to: Big guy Eddie lifting a couple of big dumbbells Eddie: ARGHH!

Cecil: … and really mean…

Cut to: Eddie lifting huge dumbbell Eddie: Motherfucker!

Cecil: … and really jealous…

Cut to: Eddie aiming gun Eddie: Frezee! […?]

Clarence: and I’m very pissed, allright? You tell de-pedi-dog this for me, allright? He just opened a Pandora’s box he’s gonna wish he kept closed, because he’s getting me pissed and when I get pissed; watch out.

Cut To: INT. Mickey’s apartment, living room. Mickey and Clifford keep fighting, this time Clifford grabs a broom stick and after a couple of kung fu moves with the broom stick he hits Mickey in the face with it… Mickey falls.

Cut To:INT. Clarence’s apartment. His answer machine gets a phone call.

Clarence [V.O.]: helloooo baby! You just reached the ring-a-ding of the original hillbilly cat Clarence Pool, and I’m gone! Leave your number at the sound of the guitar, and as soon as I’m done with my Frisbee special I’ll get back to ya, bye… *BEEP*

Eddie [V.O.]: You asshole, this is Eddie, I hope you know who I am, I hope that name means something to you, I’m the man that’s gonna drop kick ya to hell! Cecil is my woman, she’s my property and you’ve been messing with her. When I lean my hands on you I’m gonna punch a hole thru your Rockabilly face, then I’m gonna–

Clarence and Misty enters the room, they keep talking to each other and pay no attention to the answering machine and go upstairs to Clarence’s room. INT. Clarence’ Bedroom. We see Misty tied to the bed and also we get to see Clarence bedroom and all the movie posters he got hanging on the wall.

Cut to: INT. back to the living room, Clarence’s girlfriend; Cecil enters the room. She goes upstairs.

INT. Bathroom. She hears someone’s on the shower, she goes inside.

Cecil: Clarence, I’m leaving Eddie! For now on I make my own decisions, he didn’t own me, nobody owns me, I’m making my ow–

She slides the shower door and sees Mickey inside.

Cecil: Who are you?!

Mickey: Who am I? Who are you?

Cecil: You uh… you and Clarence aren’t– aren’t–

Mickey: Aren’t WHAT?!

Cecil: You and Clarence don’t go to gay bars together, do you?

Mickey: NO we DON’T go to gay bars together!

Cecil: Oh, uh… where’s Clarence?

Mickey: Obviously not in HERE!

He violently shuts the door.

. Cut to: INT. Clarence’s bedroom, Clarence and Misty are sitting on the bed facing to each other, covered under the sheets. Cecil opens the door and sees them off on bed with the lights.

Misty [to Clarence]: Shhh! Someone’s coming.

Clarence doesn’t mind to look who’s on the door, he immediately assumes is Mickey.

Clarence [to person in door]: look! You had your chance, I love you and everything but you’re gonna have to wait till I get done here. I’ll find somebody for you I promise.

Misty: Yeah, bye bye!

Clarence: Heheh, good bye!

Cecil doesn’t mind to answer and shuts the door.

Clarence [reading instructions]: ok, here’s what the rockabilly records were for the late show, is not in here, it doesn’t exist, however the kissing is 3 hours and 20 minutes.

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