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My Best Friend’s Birthday Transcript

The radio DJ is interviewing Mr Otis of a local Cochran fanclub.

DJ (Quentin Tarantino): And for those of you who’ve just tuned in, we’re talking to Lennie Otis, he’s the leader of the Eddie Cochran fan club. So uh, Lennie, do you remember when he died?

Lennie: You mean the actual date, or exactly when it happened?

DJ: When it happened, the exact day!

Lennie: I was uh, I was one..

DJ: I was three, but I remember like it was yesterday. Out of the blue I felt depressed for no reason whatsoever. Just this dark cloud hanging over my head. I was gonna commit suicide. I was actually gonna commit suicide. I was gonna go open the bathroom, I was gonna fill a tub of hot water, and I was gonna slice open my veins. I was actually gonna, I mean I was gonna do it! Now for a three year old to be thinking’ like that, that’s really depressing. And you know, what saved me was the Partridge Family. The Partridge Family was coming on, I really wanted to see it. Okay so I watch the Partridge Family, then I kill myself. And, uh, well I watched it, and it was a really funny episode, it was the one with Danny getting in trouble with a Mob wife. But, it was a really funny one, and uh, and I didn’t feel like killing myself afterwards. It was, it all kinda worked out.

…What were we talking about?

We see an employee of K-BILLY, the radio station. He’s talking to someone ont he phone.

Man on phone: Yo, K-BILLY? A request? Okay, what is it? Whadaliache? What’s Whadaliache?

Somebody walks into the room with a bag full of fast food.

Guy: Hey Mick

Man on phone: Allright, right. Wadilachou, Wadilachou, diddle-di-dou, diddle-di-dou, okay yeah sure I remember that, but we don’t have that record. No… uh, no why don’t you uh try K-scout? No […] [telegraph?] technique either, no. [to Guy with food:] So, can it be, that you, perish the thought, that you’re actually early?

Guy: No I was in the area so I thought I’d stop on by. Uhm, can I eat any ho-hos or..uh flakey-flicks?

Man: You mean Flicky-Flakes?

Guy: Yeah yeah you got some?

Man: Yeah, just some animal crackers. Don’t eat the gorillas.

Guy: Hey listen I’m gonna conk out in the lounge for a couple of hours. Can you uh wake me, when it’s time to uh, relieve Clarence?

Man: You look like shit.

Guy: Really, I feel like diarreah. It feels like a bunch of little guys are in my stomach with little pointy sticks going “ayayayayai”.

Man: What the hell happened to you last night?

Guy: I was out with Jerry, you know Jerry?

Man: Uh, Harry’s brother Jerry…

Guy: Insane, but anyways, we’re experimenting with this shit, that’s so strong that, I think an Indian tribe in Brazil’s formed this uh religion around it.

Man [to phone]: Yo K-BILLY? Oh, grandma mummy! Yeah, uh, how’re you doing?

Guy: Want some gum?

Man [phone]: He’s good! Uhuh, yeah, how’s grandpa? Uhuh. Yeah, so uh, what is that uh church….[chokes on food] What the fuck is this shit?

Guy: What’s the matter, don’t you like garlic gum?

Man: Oh you’re the biggest asshole!

Guy: Last night Jerry and I we got really stoned okay, we got all fucked up and we went to this novelty shop. You ever been to a novelty shop all fucked up? It’s an experience let me tell ya! We got a hundred and fifty dollars worth of shit okay? I picked up some itching powder for Clarence…

Man: Ah shit [screams and coughs] fucking weirdest shit.

Guy: …coz I knew he’s the guy who kinda appreciates it you know?

Man: You’re the biggest fucking asshole! I’ve ever met in my goddamn life.

Guy: I got Clarence some uh itching powder. They had the white kind and they had the brown kind. I got him the white kind because the guy told me it’s the industrial strength.

Man: […….] you fucking bastard!

Guy: Put a little dab on the back of your hand, it drives you crazy, you gotta wash it right off!

Man: Fucking goddamn, these things anyway, Jesus. These fucking things… Pah! [cough] you’re such a dickweed…… [coughs, pukes gum]

Guy: Mick, uh… Gramma.

Man: Shit uh, grandma mummy, uhm, sorry I got called away there. So uh, you were talking about the young people scholarship?

Guy: Is this uh, a gorilla?

We’re back with the DJ and his interview

Clarence (DJ): So anyway… Skip 20 years later, I find out that the very day I fell so depressed for no reason whatsoever, just so happens to be the very same day that the greatest rock and roller of all time buys the farm. You coulda spit in my socks. I mean, I couldn’t believe it! And … it’s, it’s, it’s crazy! But you know, in a way there’s a certain symmetry there I guess. I mean in a little way. What’s the word I’m looking for? It means ‘disciples in what you’d be doing’? You know what I mean?

Lennie: Members?

Clarence: Members, yeah members that’s it! How many members you have?

Lennie: Uh about 600 in the California area

Clarence: That’s a lot! That’s an awful lot actually. Uh, you guys have a get-together every year like a Motel-6 or a Sambo’s or something like that?

Lennie: Every once in a while we work something out.

Clarence: Uh […] look okay! Uh we’re here with uh Lennie Otis, the leader of the Eddie Cochran fanclub! And we’re gonna be back in one hot second, so don’t go away! Going okay come-ci comme-ca! What do you got in that box there?

Lennie: Oh, you know that march 29th 1959 Eddie Cochran actually wiped his mouth with this?

Clarance: Wow that sounds really good. You should be bringing stuff like that out, I mean. I am sure you got a cornicopia of stuff in that box. Just start bringing it out. Because, you know, this is radio. This is not television, you got it. They gotta hear it. [to phone] Clarence Pool show? No sorry I don’t play requests. Because when I’m jock I play what I wanna play when I wanna play it. Oh someday maybe you can be a jockey and you can play what you wanna play. Well if you’re taste is as respected as mine, you will! Ehehhehehe! Well I don’t give…. Look I don’t give a shit what Unruly Julie plays on her show. I don’t care, look, then listen to Unruly Julie then, dickbait! Well fuck your momma! Fuckin’ asshole…[hangs up phone.]

Guy: Clarence?

Clarence: What the hell you’re doing here?

Guy: I’m just hanging out ‘till you’re done.

Clarence: Uh, this is, uhm, introduce you to… what the hell is your name, kiddie?

Lennie: [shakes hands with guy] I’m Lennie Otis, I’m the head of the southern California chapter of the Eddie Cochran fanclub.

Guy: Ah, Otis, like the town drunk on the Andy Griffith show?

Clarence [laughs]: I was thinking the same thing.

[….]

Guy: Clarence, I got you something for you [hands bag of coke to Clarence]

Clarence: Holy shit.

Guy: Picked some up myself last night and got you some too because I knew you’d put some good use to it. Jerry and I, you know Jerry? We got fucked up last night. We went into this nova….

Clarence: […. to Guy] Mick. Yeah he’s here, hold… [gives phone to guy]

Guy [phone]: Yeah Mick what is it? A girl, what’s her name? Polly, uh… Polly? Polly is on the phone right now for me? Listen, don’t hang up. Don’t hang her up, she’ll be out on the line, I’ll be out there in a minute, okay? Don’t let her go, under no circumstances. Don’t let her go. I’ll be right there. [to Clarence:] I’ll be back.

Clarence [to Lennie]: So uh, Lenn O, uh. You’re cool, right?

Lennie: Uh, yeah I’m cool.

Clarence: Good. [unpacks coke and prepares to snort a line] This is like… I don’t believe this… So uh, Lennie, do you want some toute-uncommon here?

Lennie: No thanks

Clarence: Ah, too cool, way to be. Wish someone’d stop me. Jeezus Christ. Ah. Do I have anything on my nose?

Lennie: Right here.

Clarence: Okay? Cool? Okay…. This is K-BILLY and we’re back on the air. We’re here with the uh leader of the Eddie Cochran fan club, Lennie Otis. Now, Lennie, what get you into Eddie?.

Lennie: Well, actually my father was really into Eddie Cochran and he had a lot of his albums. He used to play him a lot.

Food guy talking into the phone

Guy: I don’t believe you’re bringing him up! You know I hate him, always have! I hurt you, okay? Together I hate ‘em.

Lennie (continues): And at the time, he used to play him a lot and there was a time in my life were I really needed to hear that sound for some reason it just really applied to my life and it, it got me out of this wreck.

Clarence: Could, could, could you gimme… uh… that napkin?

Lennie: sure….

Clarence: Thank you.

Lennie (while Clarance fights with his nose): Well anyway, uh, when I feel down and lonely I just flip on this […] it’ll be great! One day there… I just had this real bad feeling about myself…

Guy: I don’t believe you’re bringing this up. I’ve never gotten along with him! (sighs) look, look! As long as we’re burying our souls here, making a list of people we hate, why don’t you add your name to that list….[to Mick] YOU FUCK!

Clarence: AAAA I am in hell (screams and mourns)

Lennie: Are you allright?

Clarence: 911!

[Clarence breaks to floor. Guy runs over]

Guy to Lennie: What happened?

Lennie: All he did was snort some of the coke you gave him.

[sound mute] [Guy splashes water all over Clarence’s face]

A man enters his home.

Mickey: What the hell are you’re doing here?

Girl: Hi Mickey.

Mickey: You’re back?

Girl: Yeah!

Mickey: You’re back.

Girl: I’m here aren’t I?

Mickey: Hm, I’m glad! How long has it been?

Girl: Since when?

Mickey: Since I last time to see each other!

Girl: Well, lets see…. January, February… two months!

Mickey: Seems a hell lot longer to me. Oh, by the way, on all these phone calls you were getting last month, I did ring and you’d answer and hang up,

Girl: Uh huh.

Mickey: That was me. I just had to hear the sound of your voice. So what’s been life here?

Girl: Well, I’ve been….

Mickey: [….] I’m so happy. [..] I’m going through hell without you. You know, you and I, argue about the stupidest things, but never again. Now that I’ve got you, I’ll never let you go. And that’s a promise baby.

Girl: Mickey! You’re being so nice!

Mickey: And that’s what I’m gonna be from now on! Forever [kiss] and ever [kiss] and ever! Feel my heart! Feel it? Fast, ain’t it?

Girl: Uh huh?

Mickey: Let me feel yours. Just how I thought. Just like mine […] It must be love. Honey, I want you to know, that the last few times we talked on the phone, I didn’t mean any of that, you know that, don’t you?

Girl: I thought you hated me!

Mickey: I was just bluffing, I just wanted you to think I hated you. All I felt was, what do I do now? I was angry at you. Listen to was so frustrating. But I’ll never stop loving you.

Girl: I’m a little surprised! I’ve never seen you so sweet before!

Mickey: This is gonna be a happy birthday after all.

[…] He hugs his Girl again

Mickey: Oh, is that why you stopped by? You remembered my Birthday!

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